Sometimes when I’m by myself, my mind wanders to the most hurtful things that have happened in my life. In particular, there is one moment of realization that I had as a pre-teen that set the mood for the rest of my teenage years. It is also one of the most important things for me to express towards my husband so that he never feels this way in relation to me.
Ok enough of the vague intro.
What happened is that at about 12 going on 25, I realized that I had no friends. I was gone for a week from school. When I came back my teachers, my classmates, the people I ate lunch with, the people I played pingpong with. No one asked where I had gone. I was unnoticed.
This is about the time where people stopped saying to me: “Oh, you’re such a sweet girl” to “Wow, I never would have expected you to say that”. And why? This is the time I started using swear words. Constantly. Because I stopped giving a fuck. Because I felt empty, alone, and bored. Because I was sleepy, tired, unmotivated, unmoved, outside the crowd, and selfish. I had to be selfish because no one had my back.
Eventually, being myself like this won me a boyfriend. I treated him terribly.
And after high school, I lost my connection to just about everyone who knew of my existence. Hilariously, I never turned to drugs or alcohol as a young adult. I’m 31 now and still have never smoked a cigarette, gotten blacked out drunk, or gateway’d into the harder things. I’m a square. I’m a square with holes.
I’m used to being alone now. I did a year of living on my own without a roommate. Glorious days of not speaking a single word to a person. Sometimes I miss that. Yet every now and then I remember that weird feeling knowing, and then forgetting again, that no one remembers me.
Do I still feel forgotten? Sometimes. Am I going to cry about it? No.
Bwahahaha I’m aliiiiive.
Sorry I skipped you November. You were a good month of healing and getting reacquainted with the Midsommer Murders mystery show on Netflix.
I’m still healing from the surgery, but things were not as bad as I thought they would be. I barely needed the harder pain killers and was just fine on IBP and Aspirin. The scar isn’t so bad either. I do have weird stretched skin that’s figuring itself out. Also my inside bits figuring out what to do with all the new space!
Projects I managed to get work done on include the Mindcraft hat…and that’s about it as far as what I had planned on doing. Most of my time in bed has been sleeping and watching tv. I realized half way through the hat ribbing that any tiny particle in the air was causing me to cough, which was INCREDIBLY painful. So I wasn’t knitting much at all the first few weeks.
I’ve returned to work part time now, since the 4th week. (Those first 3 weeks were spent sleeping and unable to sit up on my own). I spend a lot of time on the couch these days: working, knitting, eating. By Thanksgiving I’ve been able to sit up at the table for short periods of time. I’m planning by Christmas to be mostly 100%
At the suggestion of my sister in law, I’m going to investigate joining a yoga class for women who have recently given birth / had a c-section. That’s basically what happened to me. Also, I think it will get me out of the house more often!
Current knitting projects: Sweaters
I have 4 sweaters I started this year that need to be finished!
Nightingale Cardigan, Bloom Cardigan, Jonathan’s Sweater, and the sweater dress Laneway
I’m kind of tempted to completely frog the Laneway sweater dress and make it into another cardigan. I’ve been feeling I need more/new cardigans ever since fall started and I realized I haven’t gotten a new one in over two years!
Why buy when one can make! =)
Not sure how much energy I will have for knitting, gaming, reading, or watching tv. But I do have a master plan set up for the rest of the year for my knitting projects.
- 1. Finish 3 sweaters
Peace and Love
2. Start new projects
Mindcraft, Pleasant Trip, Winterberry Hood, and Nightingale Cardigan
Fairly ambitious for the 2-3 weeks of barely leaving my bed.
I’ve done loads of laundry, vacuumed, organized my yarn some-ish, tried to put away my clothes, etc.
The bathroom and kitchen need 1 more go around. Pretty sure I can get it all done by Sunday night. I need to go out and buy some Dial antibacterial soap and maybe more toilet paper, just in case.
Hello! Here’s an update. The surgery has been scheduled. I’ve already gone to my pre-op appointment. Things seem to be ok now. I have about a week and a half until the 23rd. Going to miss Halloween, Kumoricon, Jonathan’s birthday, Thanksgiving, and possibly Christmas. =(
All in all, it could be worse. I was originally planned to be under the Monday after Thanksgiving. =/ at 6am…so yeah. Not super duper first choice. Which is totally fine, but they ob/gyn office was nice enough to double check with the doctors to see if I could get scheduled earlier. So yay! That’s where I’m at now.
Knitting Projects in the Works:
Short sleeve top. Knit with Koigu yarn. I’ve never heard of this yarn before, but omg is it squishy! The color pallet is a little bright for me, but IDC it will be perfect for spring next year! The pattern I used is by Oh May! designs. I don’t think it is up on Ravelry yet, but once it is I will come back and edit this post.
Long sleeve open cardigan. Finally getting around to using the Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran my aunt Debbie gave me. Har har. Not Debbie Bliss. Anyways, it’s a cool toned grey, so I’ve paired it with 8oz of handspun I tried to make in a similar weight, but it ended up kind of bulky. It still works though. The pattern I’m using is called Crosscountry by Alicia Plummer. In aran weight yarn it is a quick knit. I’m using my colored handspun for the center back detail and the textured stripe around the waist.
Knitting Projects Finished:
Pom hat. I recently picked up an aran weight merino by Hedgehog fibers. It’s a quick little reverse knit hat with subtle cable details and a vegan pompom I picked up at Pearl Fiber Arts at the Rose City Yarn Crawl last year. I have another pompom somewhere in my stash I think, but I can’t find it. (boo).
Lisa Frank themed shawl:
Aww yis, another Norichanknits project! I started it in Hawaii, but had the wrong size needles. Sticker Book still turned out wearable, though small. Yarns used are a single ply merino in Blush by Fierce Fibers, and a semi-solid red by Tell Tale Yarn Co. (which unfortunately seems to have taken a permanent hiatus *sadface*), both fingering weight.
Trying to keep my hands busy even though I should instead be planning for the upcoming surgery. =/
In-coming wall of text.
Some of it medical…well all of it medical.
Last week I was in and out of the hospital and doctor’s offices getting a CT scan and a pelvic ultra sound and ultimately meeting with an OB/GYN surgeon. I’m not pregnant. CT contrast fluid is gross. I got to hear my heartbeat through one of my ovaries…that was kinda cool…
I have a large uterine fibroid that is approximately 14.9 x 13.6 x 10.6 cm in size. It has distended my abdomen to the size of a 24 week pregnancy. It is much larger that my actual uterus and apparently for someone my size I have a larger than average uterus. Doctor said it was around 10cm. He was impressed that I was able to hide it for as long as I did.
The fibroid is outside the uterus. On top of it. So yes, I’ve been feeling constipated easier than normal lately and it’s pushing on my right kidney so it has to come out sooner rather than later. Apparently, all normal symptoms of growing a fetus, but instead I’m growing a tumor.
Imaging also showed no signs of dead cancer cells on the outside of the fibroid. This is good! 1/10,000 fibroids are cancerous so my odds of not being dead in the next few years are looking great.
I’m getting surgery to take it out. If I bleed too much, they’re going to take my uterus too. Which would suck…..so much…I can’t even.
The incision will be vertical from my pelvic bone to my belly button, and possibly around my belly button. I’ll be in the hospital for 2 to 3 days with a 6 week recovery period. Since my ovaries look good they’re not worried about the minor cyst that appeared in the ultra sound.
Right now we’re waiting to get confirmation from the insurance company to go ahead with the surgery.
And that’s it.
Right, so it’s the 20th already and I haven’t posted my vacation pictures, my WIPs, or any updates on le kitty. MY BAD. LOLZ.
Ok, for serious now.
Hi, how are you doing? To be honest, I’ve been suppressing a desire to vague-post something incredibly serious that is happening on the Facebook where I will garner the most attention and sympathy. There’s no real information that I can attach to this so there’s no reason to post about it. No, I’m not upset, depressed, suicidal, nor is it related to politics, world events, social media, social society, nor is it related to the weather, geography, or the cosmic universe. It’s me. Me me me me…me. -_-
In leu of vague-posting on Facebook…I’ll just do it here where there are less eyes.
Point 1 – Emotional State.
Eh, I’m ok. Just a lot of “this is new for me” and “no” responses making people have a little chuckle with me.
Point 2 – Available Information.
None, really. I semi-not-really promise? Depends on your definition of ‘new’ information. This makes Point 1 a legitimate answer.
Point 3 – What Am I Waiting For? A phone call? Eh, we’ll see. Eh, eh, eh. I kind of just want it to be done already so more things can happen. And then other things.
The reality of it all kind of makes me want to just indulge in the things that make me the most happy: knitting and food. Rawr…
Yes, I know that title is a little silly.
Lucy has never had problems going in her box, never had problems with other animals in the house and using her box, never had problems. We, we have had problems.
We are also not very good at transitioning her from food brand to food brand. It’s generally very abrupt. Not exactly the best for the Luce.
Good news though is that Lucy is a fairly sturdy cat. No sicknesses in the years I have been her mom and no major issues aside from a flea bloom now and again. Totally normal stuff. Hardy kitteh.
Recently with our crazy hot weather I made the executive decision to move her off of 100% dry kibble. We’re giving her 1/4 of a can of wet foot and 1/4 cup scoop of kibble and mixing them together.
- 1. It’s hot and I don’t think she’s drinking water as often as she should be. We removed her collar since we moved into the new place (there’s no physical way she can get outside) so I don’t get an audable tell when her tag clanks against her water bowl.
- 2. She was barely eating. We originally moved her to a higher density food and actually portioning her for her size and age. But then she just decided that she didn’t want the dry stuff.
So, to a mix we go!
What we’re feeding her:
Wellness brand wet food and I and Love and You Ultimate dry kibble. She’s scarfing it down like there’s no tomorrow. =D Her weight hasn’t increased too much either, thankfully. She was, as my brother called her, sausage cat. Since her back legs are a little sensitive due to a fall early in her life, I was worried that her weight was making her hurt. She’s pretty spry now and doesn’t immediately rage when you touch her backside. SUCCESS!
Now as for poop mountain. Her poops don’t stink. I’m serious.
We have Ever Clean cat litter, which in of itself is FAR SUPERIOR to Arm & Hammer. And her box is larger than her old one. She’s happily pooping away in the back of it, while peeing in the front near the entrance/exit…yay. But no really. Her poop is no longer smelling rancid or like what she had just eaten (fishy or chickeny smell). Which makes me happy. And happy for her.
Large healthy kitteh poops!!
If you think that means I’ve found some magical cure to getting poop not to smell, I’m sorry to say I have not. Poop is still poop and smells like poop.
Ok, I’ll see myself out now… XD
My sister is moving a way. I feel sad.
Last night was the last time I’ll see her until Thanksgiving. It’s like the past 6 years.
But this time she’s not a 2 hour drive away.
*written in homage to the way she used to write notes around the house when she was a kid.