December 2017

Sometimes when I’m by myself, my mind wanders to the most hurtful things that have happened in my life. In particular, there is one moment of realization that I had as a pre-teen that set the mood for the rest of my teenage years. It is also one of the most important things for me to express towards my husband so that he never feels this way in relation to me.

Ok enough of the vague intro.

What happened is that at about 12 going on 25, I realized that I had no friends. I was gone for a week from school. When I came back my teachers, my classmates, the people I ate lunch with, the people I played pingpong with. No one asked where I had gone. I was unnoticed.

This is about the time where people stopped saying to me: “Oh, you’re such a sweet girl” to “Wow, I never would have expected you to say that”. And why? This is the time I started using swear words. Constantly. Because I stopped giving a fuck. Because I felt empty, alone, and bored. Because I was sleepy, tired, unmotivated, unmoved, outside the crowd, and selfish. I had to be selfish because no one had my back.

Eventually, being myself like this won me a boyfriend. I treated him terribly.
And after high school, I lost my connection to just about everyone who knew of my existence. Hilariously, I never turned to drugs or alcohol as a young adult. I’m 31 now and still have never smoked a cigarette, gotten blacked out drunk, or gateway’d into the harder things. I’m a square. I’m a square with holes.

I’m used to being alone now. I did a year of living on my own without a roommate. Glorious days of not speaking a single word to a person. Sometimes I miss that. Yet every now and then I remember that weird feeling knowing, and then forgetting again, that no one remembers me.

Do I still feel forgotten? Sometimes. Am I going to cry about it? No.

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Bwahahaha I’m aliiiiive.

Sorry I skipped you November. You were a good month of healing and getting reacquainted with the Midsommer Murders mystery show on Netflix.

I’m still healing from the surgery, but things were not as bad as I thought they would be. I barely needed the harder pain killers and was just fine on IBP and Aspirin. The scar isn’t so bad either. I do have weird stretched skin that’s figuring itself out. Also my inside bits figuring out what to do with all the new space!

Projects I managed to get work done on include the Mindcraft hat…and that’s about it as far as what I had planned on doing. Most of my time in bed has been sleeping and watching tv. I realized half way through the hat ribbing that any tiny particle in the air was causing me to cough, which was INCREDIBLY painful. So I wasn’t knitting much at all the first few weeks.

I’ve returned to work part time now, since the 4th week. (Those first 3 weeks were spent sleeping and unable to sit up on my own). I spend a lot of time on the couch these days: working, knitting, eating. By Thanksgiving I’ve been able to sit up at the table for short periods of time. I’m planning by Christmas to be mostly 100%

At the suggestion of my sister in law, I’m going to investigate joining a yoga class for women who have recently given birth / had a c-section. That’s basically what happened to me. Also, I think it will get me out of the house more often!


Current knitting projects: Sweaters

I have 4 sweaters I started this year that need to be finished!

Nightingale Cardigan, Bloom Cardigan, Jonathan’s Sweater, and the sweater dress Laneway

I’m kind of tempted to completely frog the Laneway sweater dress and make it into another cardigan. I’ve been feeling I need more/new cardigans ever since fall started and I realized I haven’t gotten a new one in over two years!

Why buy when one can make! =)

 

 

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