feelings

Sometimes when I’m by myself, my mind wanders to the most hurtful things that have happened in my life. In particular, there is one moment of realization that I had as a pre-teen that set the mood for the rest of my teenage years. It is also one of the most important things for me to express towards my husband so that he never feels this way in relation to me.

Ok enough of the vague intro.

What happened is that at about 12 going on 25, I realized that I had no friends. I was gone for a week from school. When I came back my teachers, my classmates, the people I ate lunch with, the people I played pingpong with. No one asked where I had gone. I was unnoticed.

This is about the time where people stopped saying to me: “Oh, you’re such a sweet girl” to “Wow, I never would have expected you to say that”. And why? This is the time I started using swear words. Constantly. Because I stopped giving a fuck. Because I felt empty, alone, and bored. Because I was sleepy, tired, unmotivated, unmoved, outside the crowd, and selfish. I had to be selfish because no one had my back.

Eventually, being myself like this won me a boyfriend. I treated him terribly.
And after high school, I lost my connection to just about everyone who knew of my existence. Hilariously, I never turned to drugs or alcohol as a young adult. I’m 31 now and still have never smoked a cigarette, gotten blacked out drunk, or gateway’d into the harder things. I’m a square. I’m a square with holes.

I’m used to being alone now. I did a year of living on my own without a roommate. Glorious days of not speaking a single word to a person. Sometimes I miss that. Yet every now and then I remember that weird feeling knowing, and then forgetting again, that no one remembers me.

Do I still feel forgotten? Sometimes. Am I going to cry about it? No.

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My sister is moving a way. I feel sad.

Last night was the last time I’ll see her until Thanksgiving. It’s like the past 6 years.

But this time she’s not a 2 hour drive away.

I’m sad.

*written in homage to the way she used to write notes around the house when she was a kid.

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Well this doesn’t happen very often. I can’t find myself a cozy spot in our little bed to rest myself tonight. I have little bits of anxiety building up from various corners of my life. Like one giant rhombic triacontrahedron criss crossing my insides via spider webs made out of industrial steel.

Things just seem to be happening all at once. By comparison, I am much more relaxed the past two months than I was last year. I clearly recall being incredibly high strung and depressed even though I was really happy and excited. The anticipation of last year being that we were headed to Costa Rica for an eco-tour. (I regret not embracing Instagram to it’s fullest potential during that trip). But also the deep helplessness I was feeling from my life.  And then again, the lack of receptiveness and understanding I was expecting in other areas. Just overall feeling very disappointed with myself. I am tense.

A lot of that has morphed and channeled into a gross distaste for my profession. Personal embarrassments aside, I’m waffling between wanting to call myself a true LAMP stack developer and an e-commerce…stack developer…? What does that even mean? I’ll have to explore that in more detail after some more thought. But I’m a LAMP developer, I know a little bit of everything, and of those everything bits I know a whole lot.

Too add to this vapid self-reprimand: I’ve been shopping. Granted lately I’ve spent a lot of money, but I’ve also accounted for the important bills due at the beginning of the month. Those things being the glorious student loans of hate and despair. Those things that can’t be ignored or forgotten. Those things that eat away at your soul or else they’ll be garnished by law. Shopping is truly a short lived high.

And life doesn’t stop. And I still can’t fall asleep.

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