insomnia

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about how I want to make up for being a shitty non-existent entity of my extended family that lives relatively close by.

I’ve felt bad about it for a long time now, but I think I have a plan to fix this even if I am still relatively distant.

 

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Well this doesn’t happen very often. I can’t find myself a cozy spot in our little bed to rest myself tonight. I have little bits of anxiety building up from various corners of my life. Like one giant rhombic triacontrahedron criss crossing my insides via spider webs made out of industrial steel.

Things just seem to be happening all at once. By comparison, I am much more relaxed the past two months than I was last year. I clearly recall being incredibly high strung and depressed even though I was really happy and excited. The anticipation of last year being that we were headed to Costa Rica for an eco-tour. (I regret not embracing Instagram to it’s fullest potential during that trip). But also the deep helplessness I was feeling from my life.  And then again, the lack of receptiveness and understanding I was expecting in other areas. Just overall feeling very disappointed with myself. I am tense.

A lot of that has morphed and channeled into a gross distaste for my profession. Personal embarrassments aside, I’m waffling between wanting to call myself a true LAMP stack developer and an e-commerce…stack developer…? What does that even mean? I’ll have to explore that in more detail after some more thought. But I’m a LAMP developer, I know a little bit of everything, and of those everything bits I know a whole lot.

Too add to this vapid self-reprimand: I’ve been shopping. Granted lately I’ve spent a lot of money, but I’ve also accounted for the important bills due at the beginning of the month. Those things being the glorious student loans of hate and despair. Those things that can’t be ignored or forgotten. Those things that eat away at your soul or else they’ll be garnished by law. Shopping is truly a short lived high.

And life doesn’t stop. And I still can’t fall asleep.

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