life

Today marks the end of an era. Today is the last day of my two weeks notice and I’m trying to contain my glee and excitement for what is to come.

To be fair, I wouldn’t consider my 5 years here a complete loss.

  • I’m not afraid to talk to clients
  • I’m not afraid to host conference calls
  • I’m not afraid to be wrong in front of my co-workers
  • I’m not afraid to make live updates (though I still don’t like it)
  • I’m not afraid to push back.

I’m not afraid to make this change.

Unfortunately, my two weeks notice was riddled with hefty reminders of why I have been job searching to begin with. Sure it has been nice working from home, at my own pace, setting my own tasks…but there comes a time in one’s life where the desire for more human interaction, planning for the future, and wanting to contribute to society in a more meaningful way overpowers the hermit within.

In the meantime, I’ve also been stress knitting. I’ve busted out 4 hats, a pair of mittens, a cropped sweater, and I’m working on both the knit and crochet mystery-a-long for the Rose City Yarn Crawl.

Anxiety, the great motivator.

 

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Sometimes when I’m by myself, my mind wanders to the most hurtful things that have happened in my life. In particular, there is one moment of realization that I had as a pre-teen that set the mood for the rest of my teenage years. It is also one of the most important things for me to express towards my husband so that he never feels this way in relation to me.

Ok enough of the vague intro.

What happened is that at about 12 going on 25, I realized that I had no friends. I was gone for a week from school. When I came back my teachers, my classmates, the people I ate lunch with, the people I played pingpong with. No one asked where I had gone. I was unnoticed.

This is about the time where people stopped saying to me: “Oh, you’re such a sweet girl” to “Wow, I never would have expected you to say that”. And why? This is the time I started using swear words. Constantly. Because I stopped giving a fuck. Because I felt empty, alone, and bored. Because I was sleepy, tired, unmotivated, unmoved, outside the crowd, and selfish. I had to be selfish because no one had my back.

Eventually, being myself like this won me a boyfriend. I treated him terribly.
And after high school, I lost my connection to just about everyone who knew of my existence. Hilariously, I never turned to drugs or alcohol as a young adult. I’m 31 now and still have never smoked a cigarette, gotten blacked out drunk, or gateway’d into the harder things. I’m a square. I’m a square with holes.

I’m used to being alone now. I did a year of living on my own without a roommate. Glorious days of not speaking a single word to a person. Sometimes I miss that. Yet every now and then I remember that weird feeling knowing, and then forgetting again, that no one remembers me.

Do I still feel forgotten? Sometimes. Am I going to cry about it? No.

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Right, so it’s the 20th already and I haven’t posted my vacation pictures, my WIPs, or any updates on le kitty. MY BAD. LOLZ.

Ok, for serious now.

Hi, how are you doing? To be honest, I’ve been suppressing a desire to vague-post something incredibly serious that is happening on the Facebook where I will garner the most attention and sympathy. There’s no real information that I can attach to this so there’s no reason to post about it. No, I’m not upset, depressed, suicidal, nor is it related to politics, world events, social media, social society, nor is it related to the weather, geography, or the cosmic universe. It’s me. Me me me me…me. -_-

In leu of vague-posting on Facebook…I’ll just do it here where there are less eyes.

Point 1 – Emotional State.

Eh, I’m ok. Just a lot of “this is new for me” and “no” responses making people have a little chuckle with me.

Point 2 – Available Information.

None, really. I semi-not-really promise? Depends on your definition of ‘new’ information. This makes Point 1 a legitimate answer.

Point 3 – What Am I Waiting For? A phone call? Eh, we’ll see. Eh, eh, eh. I kind of just want it to be done already so more things can happen. And then other things.


The reality of it all kind of makes me want to just indulge in the things that make me the most happy: knitting and food. Rawr…

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HELLO THERE!

Welcome to 2017! I’m so excited for 2016 to be over already. Some hardcore celebrities and childhood hero’s died over the last few months that melted into the holiday season…so…I dunno, not a whole lot I can say that hasn’t already been said.

But as far as feels go. Have you seen Finding Dory? ToT Yes, that’s right. Crying text emoji. Pixar working that magic again, and me crying like a pathetic broken person in front of my husband (whom’s idea it was to rent it from Amazon to begin with). Thanks dude.

And speaking of movies, we also watched The Secret Life of Pets. That’s a fun movie that could have been better if it was pg-13. And then that infamous Rogue One. Oh yes, that movie…that Star Wars movie. THE prequel we all wanted and had to suffer 3 horrifying films, and 3 horrifying remastered upchucked splice edited originals…if you don’t know how I feel about ep. 1-3 and the 90’s edition ep 4-6…NOW YOU DO! Any time I’ve ever seen A New Hope playing on cable tv they neeever play those shitty 90’s releases, so I know I’m not alone in my opinions regarding that…stuff… Continue reading Happy 2017!

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Nah nothing creepy to report here!

The only coincidental happening would be that Jonathan decided to go into work late which resulted in him randomly running into a friend of ours who happens to be our mailman, and who is married to my hair stylist. #smallworld

Speaking of the world: we’re down to 12 days until vacation! I’m so excited for this. My first transatlantic flight! My first trip to Europe! XD

I’m still waffling on what projects I want to bring with me, but I’m sure I’ll get it all figured out the night before…possibly…

I’m about half way done with the Rimski Korsakoffee Cake Shawl. It’s been a little slow going since I’m adding beads. And I did run out of green/seafoam colored ones so I’m adding some gold colored ones. It’ll be fine. lol

I will report all my modifications in another post once the shawl is done. It’s been years since I’ve worked on a real crochet pattern and I’m pleasantly surprised at the complexity and thought that went into this pattern. Back when I first started yarn crafting I was a crochet buff, but I never made anything more complex than simple projects like scarves, blankets, and pot holders. The patterns in the early 2000’s were not that fashion forward, easy to read, and were difficult to find. Now with Ravelry, the community has obviously grown, but it still seems like the crochet offering is rather low. Where you’d find hundreds of sweater patterns to knit, you’ll maybe find 20-30 when filtering by crochet instead of knitting. It’s kind of a disappointment and I’m by no means advanced enough to produce a sweater pattern myself. So overall I’d say maybe this is where I should stretch my creativity.

 

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So I’ve been debating on a dress for my thirtieth birthday. There I said it.

Turning 30 in about a month from now. And, I’m having difficulty deciding what this post should be focused on. (I’ve restarted it for a third time now.)

Lets take it by decades:

10. I turned 10 in 1996. I had a new baby sister. I had a life changing revelation that my career expectancy should be that of a housewife and that’s all I was ever going to be good at. Sex is bad because the tv said so.

20. I turned 20 in 2006. I had a boyfriend. I had a part-time job. College? Who said you were good enough for college?

30. I will turn 30. I have a husband (not my 20’s boyfriend, thank you very much). I have a full-time job. I have touched a live baby Leatherback sea turtle. (teeeeny!!! squeee!!!). I’ve played “adult hookie” by taking a detour from class and work to hit the Newport Bay Aquarium. (yep, adulting with husband-at-the-time-boyfriend). I have my bachelors degree. I have a cat that I torment with my love. I am a professional level knitter. I finally found someone that said unprovoked: “You’re one of my best friends”. (ok semi-provoked).

Being 20 was shi…interesting. Leading up to 30 has been freakin’ fantastic and there were some really close calls in there…*sigh*…

Getting to 40…what’s going to happen in the next 10 years…

 

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One down, two to go!

Christmas is just around the corner and I couldn’t be happier. It’s been a long time since I was truely excited to give gifts. Mostly because this year I feel like I can afford to give some well thought and meaningful items.

But anyways, onto some selfish stuff:

I did manage to get wrangled into going to Jonathan’s company holiday party. Partly due to the purchase of this little beauty:

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Aww yeah, gigantic teddy sweater! It was remarkably soft and cozy despite obviously being used. May have found the best vintage store in Portland too.  A little secret spot in Hollywood called Babylon Vintage. Products are good and the prices are even better! I’m not super sure about the contents as the tag was gone, but I’m guessing there’s a bit of wool in addition to acrylic. I’m hoping to figure out a way to tailor it though. It’s a XL with odd wing shaping on the sleeves. But otherwise, super awesome teddy sweater!!

Around the block we happen upon a bazaar at the local church. At one of the booths was hand made, hard wood, Christmas ornaments!

 

IMG_1934 The maker, Vincent and his partner, don’t have a facebook page or etsy shop set up yet, so I’ve linked his facebook profile in-which he accepts messages for orders. He’s been busy shipping out and making new items. Check him out!

 

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I’ve also come to the point of obsession over this app: Neko Atsume

Cats

Play things

Fish currency

It’s basically a super easy, non-sadface version of a Tamogatchi =)

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Christmas for myself came a smidge early. A long the lines of learning new things I’ve picked up a drop spindle from KundertSpindles. These are also hand made and super light! I’ve already broken into my merino/bamboo from Thoroughly Thwacked. And picked up some undyed BFL at my LYS and Masham dyed by DragynKnits. Excited! Need to get the almost 1.5oz I’ve already spun up safely off my spindle though so I can try these other fibers.

Not bad for a newbie

Not bad for a newbie

Seems to be working so far. Only dropped it twice...hehe

Seems to be working so far. Only dropped it twice…hehe

For a little while there I was really confused about the importance of the weight of the spindle. Heavier spindle = thicker yarns? Yup. The weight of the spindle gives the whorl more mass in which to stay in motion. More force is needed to keep the spindle twisting the fibers. If there are more fibers, you need more force and so more weight. So anyways. I apparently bought a super duper light spindle, despite it’s size. Hopefully as I get better this means I can do both thick and thin threads!

But do you see those colors?!!!?!?!?!?!!

le sigh…

 

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But who gets to say where that mark is actually placed? Who gets to set the terms of success or failure? What benchmarks have to be hit or missed?

That struggle between having enough and having just enough. Does that make me greedy or does that make me needy?

When I try to help myself, but it’s not getting me anywhere? When I try to help others, but it’s not getting me anywhere? When I try to let things alone, and that definitely gets me nowhere…

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I’m done with letting the glass’ half-way mark be set by someone else’s standards. But it’s hard to break away from; the constant comparison, the hunger, the desire for better, even just what we assume to be basics.

I’ve been living for a while in Calvin’s Mother’s Camp: We have it good enough. Good enough just isn’t good enough anymore. The base level for good enough has been dropping faster than a DJ Tiesto Sunrise Album (any of them, ‘cuz they’re all the same name).

It’s time to switch to Calvin’s Camp: We have it good enough for yesterday, time to upgrade life standards. Letting things float along as they are now will only result in future dissatisfaction with myself, and I can see it coming already.

Shame is a terrible motivator. No one should ever be motivated by shame. I can’t say explicitly that I’m motivated by it, but I see it creeping along far far far behind me every once in a while. It comes out especially when I have to explain myself to other people. I find it very difficult to speak positively about myself in a face to face conversation. I start talking about anything or anyone else.

Right now, as a goal for myself: I will get a job that leaves me no desire to relax via video games. And in the meantime: Neverwinter and Guild Wars 2. Heh.

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